My son is about to embark on his high school journey… like, right now.
In just two months, he’ll officially be a teenager.
What kind of internal dialogue does that stir in me?
“It signifies he’s three years away from getting his driver’s license; a year or two from experiencing his first real heartbreak; five years from legally drinking; and who knows how long until he thinks about marriage… and kids… and forgetting to call his dad.”
Never mind if he can manage adolescence; can I manage it?
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Who’s Learning from Whom?
Isn’t teaching our kids responsibility essentially a reflection of our own emotional resilience? It’s a delicate balance of how much they rely on us versus how much we pull back, all while testing the limits of our relationship before it stretches too far.
Shouldn’t our kids also be teaching us about the world? Science suggests our brains start to solidify after age 25, meaning I have been stuck in my ways for two decades—my mind is as flexible as a basketball net.
I still vividly remember my son’s first week of kindergarten. He was incredibly bold, holding back tears until he nearly disappeared into the school. With droopy cheeks and a posture that sometimes pushed out his belly, he resembled a five-year-old Alfred Hitchcock. Each day, a single tear trickled down his chubby cheeks as the school consumed him like candy it couldn’t wait to indulge in.
That was also the week I found out that sending your child to kindergarten isn’t legally required in my province. Wait—so we could keep him home, and no one would arrest us for truancy? Shouldn’t we consider homeschooling?
Evidently, yelling, “I want him back!” through a window during circle time is considered harassment in some places.
“It will foster his independence,” my wife said.
“He’ll benefit from interacting with peers,” my best friend advised.
“And don’t forget the immunizations,” my pediatrician reminded me.
Kindergarten did turn out to be a crucial step for his social integration (something I should’ve realized from his artwork: he claimed it was an upside-down giraffe munching a Froot Loop, but I knew better!). It was also a significant leap for me as a parent, nudging me off the dependency ledge.
He needed to learn to navigate life without me, and I had to learn to trust the world with my son. I had to fill those hours between 8 a.m. and 2:20 p.m. as someone other than “Daddy.”
You might think I would have become hardened by that point, especially after my wife and I tried the Ferber Method. Remember that? Letting the baby “cry it out?” We tried to act like we were engrossed in Netflix while our infant filled the neighborhood with anguished screams. If our baby had been a pet, the neighbors would’ve called animal control—and I would’ve been grateful!
Insights from the Expert
Nina Laugesen, PhD, a child psychologist, states that teaching children responsibility and independence “helps them build self-esteem and self-confidence… they learn not to fear mistakes.”
Ironically, the Ferber Method is also known as “graduated extinction,” perhaps because that perfectly describes the gradual dissolution of your patience during that time.
Why did we find the Ferber Method so crucial? Because we insisted he learn to self-soothe; after all, Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t always be there. But let’s be real: we also desperately wanted some time to ourselves! Naturally, I thought Dr. Ferber was a genius; he introduced me to The Sopranos while my son shrieked from his crib.
Once our infant stopped crying, what did we do? We checked on him. Is he breathing? Is he dreaming? Is he too hot or too cold? Should he lie on his back or stomach, with or without a blanket? Quick! Grab “What to Expect”!
He was just fine; I was the one struggling to let go.
He thrived in kindergarten, too.
He continues to do well, and I’m still trying to figure it out.
As children grow (and parents age), we often follow remarkably similar paths to high school. Meanwhile, we parents seem to gravitate towards various labels: Tiger Moms, Helicopter Parents, Free-Range Parents, Attachment Parents, and so on.
I haven’t seen this many categories since I packed his duffle for camp—only to confront my inner turmoil about sleep-away camp and ultimately decide to keep him home instead. (Hey, I hire him weekly to mow the lawn and pull weeds; isn’t that a lesson in life?)
Insights from the Expert
Laugesen suggests that one effective way to build trust as parents is, ironically, to take gradual steps: allow your child to take on increasing responsibilities over time. “This will help you slowly learn to manage your own anxiety and gain confidence in your child’s capabilities.”
As a preteen, he seems remarkably well adjusted. It’s my wife and me who frequently grapple with loosening the parental grip—albeit just millimeters at a time.
“Where’s our boy?” she might inquire.
“Riding his bike,” I reply, beaming with pride. Look at me, nurturing his independence.
Then come the questions I can’t always answer: Where has he gone? How long will he be out? Did he take his phone?
Yikes. I don’t have those answers. He may be wearing a helmet, though. That’s already an improvement from when I was his age. See? I did teach him something.
Insights from the Expert
How do you gauge if your child is ready to transition from small steps to significant responsibilities? Laugesen offers a straightforward solution: ask them! “If your child feels a task is too tough… listen, validate their feelings, and collaborate to identify smaller, more achievable responsibilities.”
Our children are not adults yet… but they are miniature versions of adults. They seek what we desire: autonomy, trust, and, when they return home, love.
I believe that for many lessons, we, as parents, can only lead by example and provide a safe haven for them (while ensuring they wear appropriate head protection).
There’s a special magic for a child allowed to play freely and still love coming home.
Perhaps learning to provide both experiences for our sons and daughters is indeed our true responsibility.
